Thoughts!!!

Thursday, October 15, 2020

My Vampire!

I rushed into my room banging the door behind. Falling on my bed realizing tears flowing down. I still felt scared, still felt lonely. Probably i wanted to talk to you, Tell you how it felt. Show you who i am with out. I crawled closer to myself. I sobbed. Harder and even Harder. Did I deserve this? May be yes, May be No. Do i want to know the answer? Definitely no. I want to cry my eyes out. This has been the only way which made me felt better.

I felt two thin hands draping me. I knew what was coming. I cried even harder. I felt two large lips kissing back of my neck. I turned to see the same pale face that loved me and haunted me at the same time. Was i happy? Was i scared? I was not sure. One feeling was Crystal Clear for me I dint want him to leave. I dint want Reality to strike in again.

Y don't he speak?? Is he scared too? may be even he dint want to miss me. Can that be true? I sobbed again. His Grip tightened. moments flashed by. First day I noticed him. His name flashing on my mobile. Message received. Love that happened. Kiss that followed. Long walks. I could see myself loosing to him.

Something hurt right then, His grip tightened even more.

I saw him kissing me. Holding me. I saw something else, he felt me as a responsibility. I never felt like that for him, I always thought him like a possession. Can he handle such a burden? I wanted to ask him. I was scared he would leave me and go, like he always did wen I asked him something.

we were fighting, I knew this would end. I knew I would be back, you would be back. I saw you punching a mirror, I saw myself shattering. A jolt of pain struck at my abdomen, I panicked. I looked down. Your grip. Will you let go me if I tell you to loosen a bit? I wanted to ignore the pain. some thing brushed on my neck. I knew it was you.

I was falling asleep. I felt him beside me. I was sure he would be there for me. He would hold on to me like he always did. I loved him. I know deep down he loved me. I saw myself sleeping closer to him more like a baby. I saw him making love to me. I saw his eyes looking at me. His pale face right above me. He wanted to tell something. I saw him lowering his face, His lips reaching my neck and something hard pierced into my neck. He was sucking hard. I stirred in pain. Some thing inside me was leaving. Leaving for ever. I wanted to scream. My soul was leaving me forever

I woke up startled. Alone again with a broken heart and a wounded soul.

I love You for US.

In some part of the world, some one just opened his eyes. He stretched his body and looked around. Der she lied still sleeping beautifully, his love, right beside him. He slowly lowered to hold her tight careful enuf that she dosent wake up. He knows though she is in tranquill she is dreaming only about him. He is quite sure whether she is awake or asleep she thinks of him, only him.

He planted a kiss on her gentle cheek. He wondered how his rough skin dint hurt her. She never complained anything about him. He couldnt stop himself from kissing her again, dis woke her. She had a frown. He was awestruck. Did she always wake up with a frown on her beautiful face. It looked beautiful, more beautiful with the frown too. She turned to face him. She dint open his eyes. She was still. He just thought of all the wonders of the world, nothing seemed so beautiful. He thought if world knew his girl was so beautiful, will dey declare her as a miracle. He laughed at his dumb brain for the totally insane thoughts it generated.

He stroked her hair with love. He know she is now awake. He moved closer to her and whispered in her ear 'i love you'. She opened her eyes and raised an eyebrow. Of course she knew he loved her, her question was y he realized dat again this morning. Little did she know he always re-realizes that fact. She makes him do. He kissed her familiar lips slowly. Are dey the same he kissed for the first time. Dey seemed changed, Dey are more lovely every next time he kissed. She stood up walked to her mirror. She looked at herself and started fixing her messy hair. Is she a magnet? Is he an iron chunk? He hugged her from behind and dropped a kiss on her shoulder. He said again 'i love you.'

She turned around to hug him and asked 'are you going?'. He could do nothing but laugh. How could she ever think he will leave her. Leaving her and leaving happiness was no different for him. He said ' i love you because you said i love you too and you started "us". I love you for wanting me as much as i want you. I love you for loving me back . I love you for not being like any other girl. I love you for not cheating on me. I love you for the sorry you say wen i m hurt. I love you for making every moment in my beautiful like you.

i love you for us.'

Leaving the Hope of Light!

I am a horrible person. I fail at everything. I fail at loving someone. I fail to be loved. I fail to be pretty. I fail at self- control. I fail at everything and i even failed at u. Have i ever been loved?? If i did y do i crave for it like i haven't tasted it ever before. Actually i know utterly dat i cannot be loved, dat is y ur love is astonishing me. I am a girl with no command over her emotions.

My emotions are formidable. Dey display exactly everything dat springs in my heart. People should find dat beneficial, but wen it comes to my scenario, people always take it as an inconvenience. I some times get amazed wen i think to which extent u love me. Sometimes i just pull too much of it, i try to bunch up all the love u have for me. I like to wrap it up all and hold it closer to me.

Sometimes i enter ur space. i make it upside down and i end up manipulating the show and obligate u to apologize even wen i know u are unblemished. The worst part is wen i realize my wickedness. i cant let it go like u do. I promise myself dat i will never let u go through the torment. Yet again i do the same. I tend to leave a part of myself. I cant be normal. I am horrible. But what am i doin? Leaving the hope of light or leaving the light of hope.

We Should Break Apart!

Dear Depression,

How are you? Hope u are missing me. No, Please don't come back since I m now friends with love and happiness and I m writing this letter to tell u that I am done with you. I am sorry. I am breaking your heart but I think I can go on without you. I think we are not meant for each other anymore and we should break apart.

You were incredible. You never let me go but I still I chose to leave. Love is beautiful and happiness is the best thing I have ever met. Dey don't give me enough time to meet you or even think about you. Some times u just come to my mind like a flicker of light but u vanish wen I see love just in front of me.

You were so attached to me. We were together since ages. I feel like we grew up together. It was an On-Off affair we had but still we had a strong commitment. U left no other option but to love u back and I truly did love u. I loved the way u stayed for along. I love dose night wen we wrapped around each other. I love our cuddling. I love those mornings you hug me and wake me up with your kiss. I love wen you accompany me every were I go. I love wen you hold my hand in the crowd. I feel so unsafe. I feel so low wen u are around.

I am sorry all this ended up. I am sorry we are no more together. I am sorry for everything

With love,

Don't go!

You were walking ahead. I came running behind you. I caught ur hand "Stay back" i said, remembering how to breathe. You turned around to hug me and said, "I want to". You started walking away. I once again holded ur hand and begged " Dont go". I could see tears in your eyes. You dint utter a word. You left leaving me behind. "I will be back soon" i heard a whisper. I looked up you were almost out of my sight. I could no longer stand. I collapsed.

Tears rushed out. I closed my eyes. I could see you, the familiar you, who belonged to me. I could see myself kissing you. I could see us showering together. I could see your skeptical look scanning me wen say something that doesn't make sense. I could see you listening to my shit. I could see you holding me. I could see you, the you I am in love with.

I will miss you. Everything about you. I will wait for you to come back to hold me. For you my love, are the living epitome of my happiness.

It hurts more, even more and a little more!

I thought I knew it. I Thought I knew how it felt not being desired. I thought I memorized the feeling of being abandoned. Being wanted by some one every time is a benevolence life provides you and I dunno why I was always deprived from it. Yet I thought I knew how it felt because I lived all my life with it.

I miss you so much. You said u loved me and u will always be with me no matter what. I never believed you though, but if I dint I should have known the fact that u would leave, sooner or later u would leave. It still hurts wen I think u r not here. It still hurts wen I know you are travelling away from me. It hurts more, even more and a little more. Today, I could hear my heart weeping for you.

I still don't regret meeting you. I still don't regret being with you. I don't regret anything. I am thank full actually. Yes, I am. I am thank full that you bought back my pain. This pain is many times stronger than the regular one. yet I m liking it because it reminds me of you.

I miss you more each second.

Dear heart!

Hey you, yes you, are you listening?

I am so sorry, I do dis to you all the time.

I chose a wrong guy for you every time. As a friend, As a lover and as a companion I always choose a wrong guy. I should have let you but I become so stubborn and dominating that I force my opinions on you.

Sweetest heart! yes baby, u are the sweetest heart. I am sorry I allow people to rip u. Trust me dis one time, I dint do it on ma own. I just met him. He was adorable. I dint know wen he accessed you. I dunno how he could reach you. He treated you so gud, dint he? He loved you as much as you did. He thought you were precious.

Everything was heavenly good and one day he took a sharp knife and stabbed you. You bled until der was no blood left. You were dying and I could do nothing. I tried to move him away and heal you but you were impossible. You refused to heal. You said every drop of blood that dropped out reminded him. I feel terrible seeing you like dis if u can just forgive me. I m sorry dear heart. I am sorry!

Let the seasons change!

I thought we were friends. Best friends. No, We are not. I sensed we are much more than just friends wen u left. I could understand the rush of agony in my heart. But it was den wen i saw your text i was sure i love you. There is nothing special in that text. Nothing. But wen i saw it my heart said this is the one. Your soul-mate. My mate.

I am in love with you.

Head over heels in love. Can you love a friend? You are the last thing I think about wen I go to bed at night and the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning. And while i'm sleeping? You are there too - in my dreams. I never felt this with anyone before. This is the purest form of love my heart can ever unfold. I don't miss you anymore like I did until yesterday. I know now you reside in my heart. Even if u chose to leave I know my heart will love cinders of your memories.

I just miss you being here with me in person and nothing more. I thought distance will diminish our relation but this is a true surprise I feel it is enhancing our Friendship. Making us realize what we are to each other.
Let the decades pass by.
Let the seasons change.
Let everything in the world change
I am sure my love for you will remain the same. I don't want to know about yours because assurance is not given it is supposed to be displayed. And I am keeping my eyes open to have a good look at it.

I love u more each day! You make me be the most "me" i can possibly be!!

Don't vanish!

Dear v,

You chose to leave and I am letting u do so all I want to tell is don't vanish. Don't break like a glass leaving me tiny bits to rejoice. Don't crack like a bubble and disappear. Be right her. Be close to me.

I want to feel your hand when ever I raise mine to hold it. I know its highly not possible I also know you will fight it and make it seem as usual to me but I am sorry I already feel the change.

I want you at every phase of my life. I still remember u lifting me up high and playing. I remember you helping my homework done. I remember you bringing me chocolates. I remember you taking me on bike rides wen I cry.

I love you and its so hard to let you go but if that is what u decided I cant be a hurdle. I will miss you. I will love you.

Every time you hugged me I hugged u back a little more tight just because I knew this day would come sooner or later. I want to be a child again so that I can have u by my side every time. I want to be a stone so that I cant break down easily. I want to sleep on your laps. I want you to play with my hair. I want you to call me an angel again. I want you to adore me all over again! I want you all over again.

I am killing a part of me!

I am not blaming u baby, no I am not. I m sorry for myself. You are just like others. Others whom I loved little less than I love you. Others who are wonderful like you. Others who were the most important people in my life, but every one left me didn't they? Didn't I complain about every one to you? Even you replayed the element. Of course you have a reason and I understand it completely but didn't they? Even they had reasons. What mattered to me is they left. What matters now is u left. You say you love me, don't I? I love you much more than what you love me. I feel that agony much more than you do.

You said you get tears when you text me. But do you know that I cry wen ever I come across anything that reminds me of you? And can you imagine how much of my life reminds me of you? I cry when I read your texts. I cry when I walk on streets. I cry when I visit any place I ever visited with you. I cry when I eat anything we ever ate together. I cry when people talk about missing someone. I cry when my phone rings and somewhere my heart hopes its you, even though I assured it many times that you are quite busy to remember me. I cry wen I dream about you. I cry wen I remember anything related to you.

Do you realize the change in me? Wen you read this just confront yourself. I stopped fighting. I stopped complaining. I stopped expecting. I stopped gaining your attention. I stopped disturbing. I am letting you be. I am not holding you back. You think I m not in pain? I am but this pain is familiar to me. It happened all the time and it is happening now. My faith in you is fading. I am killing a part of me. Yes I am, and I am not blaming you at all. I love you like I love no one else. I love you the way poets describe. I love you the way lyricist articulate. I love you like movies show. I love you like painters display. I love u like I can. I love much more.